Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
