I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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