don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
