I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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