In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
