You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
