i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
