Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
