I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
