he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
