So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
