Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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