Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
