Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
