I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
