If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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