getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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