Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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