I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
