now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
