Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
