I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize