There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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