how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
