omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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