I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
