My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
