mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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