That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
