Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You can't motorboat a personality
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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