I wish I could teleport
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
