So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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