Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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