He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
