I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
