when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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