And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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