I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
