I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
