You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
