she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
