You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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