Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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