Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
birth control should be required to get into college
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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