I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize