I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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