booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
