I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
