So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
