she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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