youre lurking in front of me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hippo gnu deer
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
