We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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