You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
