life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
