Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
this must be what syphilis tastes like
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
