Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize