i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
