My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
