Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
