you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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